(TW discussion of genitals, sex, body dysphoria)
My body dysphoria has seemingly intensified (or at least not gotten any better) over the past bunch of years, especially the last two years that I’ve been off of testosterone. (February 10th of this year will be 2 years off of T.) I’m planning to go back on T in April, after top surgery, and stay on it. (Here’s a list of my reasons for stopping testosterone (link http://silencingmachine.tumblr.com/p
So, I’ve decided that I’m going to have a metoidioplasty done like I’ve had in mind since I was 12 and first learned about trans men and transitioning when I saw part of a 1997 documentary called You Don’t Know Dick: Courageous Hearts of Transsexual Men. I’m going for a metoidioplasty with “the works”: dick release and repositioning, urethral lengthening, mons reduction, vaginectomy, scrotoplasty, testicular implants. I’ll also be having a (hopefully laproscopic) hysterectomy and oophorectomy.
I’ve spent my life just trying to ignore my crotch as much as possible because all I can really do with most of it is reluctantly tolerate it. I normally don’t mess with it other than as necessary (dealing with menstruation while off of T, which hasn’t been that bad because I think of it like peeing or whatever) or as I want to sometimes (sex sometimes and occasionally with jerking off). I can’t always ignore my junk though and there’s not much I can do besides that, and my body dysphoria is incredibly difficult to deal with, and I’m fucking tired. It’s been 24 years of this. (I’m 28.) It’s an aesthetics issue, a functionality issue, and overall an issue that it just feels wrong. I’ve felt this way since I was about 4 years old when I realized that peeing standing up didn’t work for me the same way it did for my brother and that “my body forgot to grow a penis.”
Regarding my cock, the main things that bother me about it are not being able to pee out of it, and its current position. Sometimes the size bothers me, too, but mostly the position. In terms of peeing, it’s frustrating to have to get my STP packer the Number One (link) first (or packing with it, which feels weird because it’s hollow and fold-able), making sure it’s positioned right, etc., before I take a leak. The Number One is the best, most well-made, and easiest STP device I’ve used so far — but I’d still much rather just be able to piss out of my cock.
As for the current position of it, that bothers me as well because of aesthetics, and not being able to fuck with my cock because of the suspension ligaments. It would be aesthetically like how I see it in my head if it were positioned properly (up and forward like a more typical penis). I think with a metoidioplasty, I would probably (hopefully) be able to penetrate partners during sex since I’ve had a good amount of growth from T (average or maybe a little above average for a trans guy) and I’ve got more than enough blood-flow to stay hard, so it’d probably depend as much on the position the other guy were in (according to a gay cis dude I’m probably gonna get involved with who’s a top). Although I’ve had decent growth, I still plan to use DHT ointment for three months prior to having bottom surgery done to increase the growth more as I’ve read that that’s recommended prior to metoidioplasty.
Sometimes, when comparing the size of my penis to that of cis guys, or when I’m just picturing in my head what I’d like for my body to look like, I will get frustrated about the size of my cock compared to other guys. However, it’s also important to remember that cis dudes’ penises (just like trans dudes’ cocks) come in all sorts of different sizes, shapes, degrees of functionality, and so on. It’s also really important to keep in mind that my ideal for myself is largely a result of social conditioning, and to question and counter that. Despite my periodic penis size woes, I have no plans right now to have a phalloplasty done — although I’m not ruling that out for the future.